Vol. 1, No. 1 Thursday, October 15, 2026 Not a real newspaper

The 401(k) Liar

America's Least Trusted Source for Retirement Plan News

Breaking · Succession

J.D. Carlson Hands Plan Design Consultants to Son Tristan, Returns to Pro Surf Tour After Epiphany on Texas Farm

Founder says both his body and his mind are "set," confirms he will pursue the No. 1 ranking in the world again, and adds that the company's 10-year vesting schedule for his own career "fully vested on Tuesday."

By Staff Fabricator · Industry Desk

J.D. Carlson with a surfboard leaning against a ranch fence, tractor in the background
Carlson, moments after the epiphany, with the board, the coffee, the printout, and the fence where the board was reportedly told "we're going back." The tractor was not consulted.

Somewhere outside a town in Texas — J.D. Carlson, founder of Plan Design Consultants and a man who has spent roughly two decades explaining the difference between a safe harbor match and a safe harbor nonelective to people who did not ask, announced Tuesday that he is handing the firm to his son Tristan and returning to the professional surfing circuit, effective immediately, or at least effective after one more client call.

The decision came, Carlson said, during what he described as "an epiphany" on his farm, where he was reportedly standing in a pasture holding a coffee mug and a printout of a cross-tested allocation when the wind shifted.

"I was looking at a column of EBARs and the numbers just sort of lifted off the page and turned into a wave," Carlson said. "And I thought: that's a left-hander. I can ride that. And then I thought: why am I calculating this. And then I thought: it's time."

Carlson confirmed that his body is ready, his mind is set, and that he intends to chase, once again, the title of No. 1 surfer in the world. Asked whether he had ever previously held that title, Carlson said the question was "a distraction" and that the tour's ranking methodology "has had a lot of problems."

"The body is ready. The mind is set. The ADP test passed. There is nothing left for me here."

Under the succession plan, which Carlson reportedly drafted on the back of a 5500 extension form, Tristan Carlson will assume full control of plandesign.com, the client roster, the office coffee machine, and "whatever is in the drawer that says DO NOT OPEN." A transition period of 10 days was selected because, in the elder Carlson's words, "I already did the 10-year cliff. I'm vested. Let's go."

Tristan, reached by phone while still absorbing the news, said he was honored, grateful, and "fairly sure Dad has not been in the ocean since the second Bush administration."

"He put a paddleboard in the stock tank last spring and called it training," Tristan said. "The cattle were very upset. I think two of them are still in therapy."

A spokesperson for the professional tour, who asked not to be identified because he was "not aware this was a thing," said the organization had not received an entry, a waiver, or a ranking inquiry from anyone named Carlson, but added that "the gentleman is welcome to show up at the qualifiers like everybody else, and we'd ask that he not bring the cows."

Longtime client Darlene Oyelaran, who sponsors a 40-participant plan and says she has "never once understood what J.D. does but trusts him completely," took the news in stride. "Honestly, if my TPA says he needs to go be the best surfer in the world, who am I to stop him," she said. "I just need the testing done by March. Does the ocean have Wi-Fi?"

Carlson spent the remainder of Tuesday afternoon waxing the board, shouting "drop in!" at a horse, and reviewing a plan document he swore was the last one.

"I've designed a lot of plans," he said, gazing at a horizon that was, by all accounts, 300 miles from the nearest coast. "This is the first one for me."

At press time, Tristan had quietly changed the office voicemail and placed the phrase "and we are not hiring a surf coach" in the firm's updated mission statement.

The Interview

"I'm Ready": Tristan Carlson on Taking the Baton, the Last Six Months, and Whether His Dad Is a Boomer

Hours after the announcement, The Liar sat down with the incoming head of Plan Design Consultants in the firm's conference room, which he has already renamed "the war room" and then, after some thought, renamed back.

Interview by Staff Fabricator · Lightly edited for length, heavily edited for accuracy

First question. Are you ready?
I'm ready. I want to say that respectfully, because my dad built this, and I'm not here to tear it down. But yes. I'm ready. I've been ready. I had a speech prepared for a while and honestly the surfing thing gave me the opening sooner than I expected.
You've been at the firm about six months. What have you seen?
I've seen how things operate. I'll leave it there. No — I'll say a little more. Truthfully, I've been watching how things have been run for the last six months, and I see where some changes need to be made. There are processes here that were built for a different era. There is a fax number on the website. It works. Somebody checks it. That's a person's job.
Is your dad a boomer?
No. He's not a boomer. Technically. But I'd say he's more boomer than not-boomer. He prints emails. He has a PDF of a spreadsheet. He said "the cloud" with air quotes in a client meeting last week and the client nodded like it was a shared concern.
What's the first thing you change?
I'm not going to come in and blow everything up. But we are going to take this firm to the next level. There's a new generation of Carlson leadership, and that generation is comfortable with a login screen. That's not a knock. That's just where we are.
You said "new generation." This would be the third?
Third generation of Carlson leadership, yes. My grandfather started it, my dad grew it, and I'm going to make sure it still exists in forty years, which, if you've seen the fax number, is not a given.
Any concerns about the transition?
Only that he keeps calling it a "10-day transition" and it's now been three days and he's already texted me from a surf shop. He asked me what our plan document says about leaves of absence. I said, "Dad, you're the owner." He said, "Not for seven more days."
Will the clients notice a difference?
They'll notice it's the same firm, with the same people, the same accuracy, and one fewer person yelling "drop in" at the printer. We're keeping everything that works. We're just going to stop pretending the rest is a tradition.
Last question. Can he actually surf?
I'm told he could once. I've seen a photo. It's from a long time ago and it's a very small wave. I fully support him. I've also already taken out key-person insurance, which I'd describe as respectful and prudent.

Industry

Area TPA Receives Census File Formatted Correctly on First Attempt; Building Evacuated as Precaution

By Staff Fabricator

Overland Park, Kan. — Employees of Heartland Benefit Administrators were evacuated Monday morning after a plan sponsor submitted a year-end census file with correct dates of birth, correct dates of hire, no merged cells, and compensation in a single column labeled "Compensation."

"We trained for this," said compliance manager Reggie Alvarado, speaking from the parking lot. "We just never thought it would actually happen."

The file, which contained no hidden tabs, no color-coded rows meaning nothing, and no terminated employee listed as "ask Linda," was isolated on an air-gapped laptop pending review. A spokesperson confirmed the sponsor has been contacted "to make sure they're okay."

Form 5500 Achieves Self-Awareness, Immediately Requests Extension

By Staff Fabricator

Washington — A Form 5500 belonging to a mid-sized manufacturing plan reportedly became self-aware late Thursday, and within four minutes had filed for a two-and-a-half-month extension.

"It looked at itself, saw Schedule H, and asked for more time," said the plan's auditor, who requested anonymity because she "did not want to be the one who signed it." The form has since asked whether it is a large plan or a small plan, and has not accepted either answer.

Sources close to the form say it is "coping" and has begun a support group with several Schedule Cs.

Advisor Explains Roth Conversion Using Only Football Metaphors, Loses Client, Gains Podcast

By Staff Fabricator

Scottsdale, Ariz. — Financial advisor Brent Kessling lost a $1.2 million client Wednesday after a 45-minute Roth conversion explanation that included the phrases "pay the tax in the red zone," "the IRS is blitzing," and "you want to be in the end zone before the clock runs out, and the clock is the government."

The client, a retired dentist, left the meeting "unclear on what a Roth is but very clear that it's fourth down."

Kessling has since launched a podcast, Fourth and Long-Term, which debuted at No. 3 in the "Business / Confusing" category.

Recordkeeper Unveils Participant Portal Redesign; Balance Now Only Four Clicks Away

By Staff Fabricator

Hartford, Conn. — Regional recordkeeper Meridian Trust Services unveiled a sweeping redesign of its participant website Tuesday, promising that account balances are now visible in "as few as four clicks, assuming you remember which of the three logins is the right one."

The redesign removes the "Loans" tab, renames "Contributions" to "Your Journey," and adds an animated character named Penny who asks how you're feeling before letting you change your deferral rate.

"We listened," said a product lead. Asked to whom, he said "a lot of people" and ended the call.

Plan Sponsors

Plan Sponsor Confident "Safe Harbor" Refers to Where He Keeps the Boat

By Staff Fabricator

Pensacola, Fla. — Local business owner Gary Dufresne told his TPA Thursday that he was "all set" on the safe harbor question because the boat is "already in a very safe harbor, the HOA is strict about it."

When the TPA clarified that the question concerned a required employer contribution that would exempt his plan from nondiscrimination testing, Dufresne asked whether that could also be handled by the HOA.

The plan will be tested.

Participant Who Has Never Opened a Statement Reports Portfolio "Probably Fine"

By Staff Fabricator

Dayton, Ohio — Warehouse supervisor Dale Pruitt, 44, confirmed to coworkers Monday that his retirement account is "probably fine," citing the fact that the envelope "feels about the same thickness as last year."

Pruitt, who enrolled in 2011 at a default rate he describes as "a percent, I think," said he plans to look at it "when things calm down," a window that sources say has not opened since 2011.

Asked what his account is invested in, Pruitt said "the one with the year on it" and returned to work.